Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Today, I fell down
Like, literally.
Like I was getting up from my chair, my leg tangled in my computer cord... and then I just went down. Arms flailing. Twisting at some odd angles as I tried to regain my balance.
I didn't.
In fact, I landed against the wall so hard that my earring popped out. My knees got burned against the carpet.
Though no one actually saw the fall, the sounds were legendary: THUMP, BANG, BOOM, AGGGGGGHHHHHHH.
The coworkers rushed over- OMG! Are you okay?
Hell. YES.
I'm mortified, kind of, but also cracking up inside.
'Cause if it had been someone else, I would have been crying laughing.
Good times.
Like I was getting up from my chair, my leg tangled in my computer cord... and then I just went down. Arms flailing. Twisting at some odd angles as I tried to regain my balance.
I didn't.
In fact, I landed against the wall so hard that my earring popped out. My knees got burned against the carpet.
Though no one actually saw the fall, the sounds were legendary: THUMP, BANG, BOOM, AGGGGGGHHHHHHH.
The coworkers rushed over- OMG! Are you okay?
Hell. YES.
I'm mortified, kind of, but also cracking up inside.
'Cause if it had been someone else, I would have been crying laughing.
Good times.
Friday, June 12, 2009
gems and jasmine
there’s something beautiful about it
The way it flits above my fingertips
Brushing them slightly, then kisses my lips
Finds that space in the curve between my shoulders and neck
intuitively knows what I want next
ah yes/ my fingers pulling your hair
and ah yes…
there’s something in the air
the scent of jasmin lingers around you
every time I breathe you
my vitals decide/there’s no way I can hide
that there’s something wonderful
about the jems that shine through the rough
the passion that comes when we touch
yeah, people can tell lies/if it makes their jealousy subside
but there’s something special
bout what we got going on
that’s why I slipped my hand inside of yours
so nervous I couldn’t let it stay long
the intimacy felt so sudden, so strong
there’s something there…
I see the future
in us.
The way it flits above my fingertips
Brushing them slightly, then kisses my lips
Finds that space in the curve between my shoulders and neck
intuitively knows what I want next
ah yes/ my fingers pulling your hair
and ah yes…
there’s something in the air
the scent of jasmin lingers around you
every time I breathe you
my vitals decide/there’s no way I can hide
that there’s something wonderful
about the jems that shine through the rough
the passion that comes when we touch
yeah, people can tell lies/if it makes their jealousy subside
but there’s something special
bout what we got going on
that’s why I slipped my hand inside of yours
so nervous I couldn’t let it stay long
the intimacy felt so sudden, so strong
there’s something there…
I see the future
in us.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Food
Last night, I had 2 quesadillas. They tasted ok. I ate them because they were there.
Today, I had Pinkberry. It tasted great. I ate it because I craved sugar. I had two cookies for the same reason.
I'm wondering if working out my feelings and dedicating time to myself and my thoughts every morning would help to establish better eating patterns.
I also stuff my face when I'm bored. When I feel stress coming on. When I'm actually stressed, I'm too busy to eat - but when I feel it coming, I reach for my lunch/ snack/ something sweet.
Wish I understood my obsession with food. As yet, I haven't figured it out but hopefully will soon.
I was going to do a master cleanse, not to as it would be for the wrong reasons. I don't believe I'd be flushing a bunch of toxins or losing fat or weight that I'd be able to keep off. It would be a quick fix, when what I need is a lifestyle change that I can honestly commit to.
I have to truly accept that it will be hard and there will be self-denial (which I hate) and there will be moments when I want to cry because I want to eat something so bad. But I have to accept that it will probably be like that because I am honestly starting to feel as though I may have an addiction to food. Thinking about eating less makes me feel basically the way I felt when I realized that I had to quit smoking.
Sigh.
It must be done. I am unsatisfied with my body, and I don't like the lack of control that I'm displaying.
Keep watching...
Today, I had Pinkberry. It tasted great. I ate it because I craved sugar. I had two cookies for the same reason.
I'm wondering if working out my feelings and dedicating time to myself and my thoughts every morning would help to establish better eating patterns.
I also stuff my face when I'm bored. When I feel stress coming on. When I'm actually stressed, I'm too busy to eat - but when I feel it coming, I reach for my lunch/ snack/ something sweet.
Wish I understood my obsession with food. As yet, I haven't figured it out but hopefully will soon.
I was going to do a master cleanse, not to as it would be for the wrong reasons. I don't believe I'd be flushing a bunch of toxins or losing fat or weight that I'd be able to keep off. It would be a quick fix, when what I need is a lifestyle change that I can honestly commit to.
I have to truly accept that it will be hard and there will be self-denial (which I hate) and there will be moments when I want to cry because I want to eat something so bad. But I have to accept that it will probably be like that because I am honestly starting to feel as though I may have an addiction to food. Thinking about eating less makes me feel basically the way I felt when I realized that I had to quit smoking.
Sigh.
It must be done. I am unsatisfied with my body, and I don't like the lack of control that I'm displaying.
Keep watching...
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Consistency
I like to evaluate the self. My self.
I've been doing that a bit lately. I've noticed things about myself that are driving me insane. I've developed a temper. I've become adept at staying within my comfort zone and reigning over my queendom - which, at some point, hinders the ability to learn. You've got to be open to learn, right?
Anyway, there are things that must change, and it all starts with focus and consistency.
I have to remember to destress. It's ok to relax and have a good time. As I once famously said to my mum in exasperation, "It's just life!" Patience is, indeed, a virtue.
I've got to remember to find the child inside of me - and let her play more often. That light hearted, carefree kind of playing - not the "let's get drunk and forget what we did" kind of playing. While I do so enjoy it, repetition begets boredom (and that general attitude may be at the root of the reason that consistency is so challenging for me).
Set small goals.
Rome wasn't built in a day, I can't take over the world in just one day, either.
Commit - to whatever it is that I've decided I want to do. Being commited means being consistent. Are we noticing a pattern here? Saying the same thing in different ways.
Write. I read this great article about writing in today's distracting world and how to fight the temptation to multitask. I'm one of those people who is like: I must right an hour a day 4x a week. And then I write for an hour over the course of a month! Horrible. And then I feel even worse for failing so I don't write. But if my goal is to say, write 1 -2 pages daily - well, hell, that 2 (solid) scripts a year.
Lose weight. I've been struggling with this for a while. While I'm aware that 130lbs isn't overweight unless you're 5'0 (and I'm several inches taller than that), I can't stop wanting to get back down to my "usual" weight of 118-123. What's stopping me? I fear that all of these issues are interconnected. Of course, consistency is a major component, but so is this lack of self control, this FEAR that I'll actually REGRET not having had that piece of chocolate or more sugar or those pastries, mostly because they were free. As I make more money, I find that I actually buy more food, too. That's crazy. I lived off of appx $80/mo in groceries for a long time. Last month? $212. I'm one person. There is no way I'm actually eating $55/week. (I do pack my lunch and eat about 5 meals a day, but seriously, that's a lot of money spent on food for a single person in groceries. That does not include eating out). It's greed. It's that I have to have it. I'm feeling up on food when I'd be so much more fulfilled and proud and content if I did what I said I was going to do: be consistent.
Have more energy. I should probably sleep less. 7 hours, not 7-9. More than 8 hours is counterproductive. That one shouldn't be that hard to fix.
Stick to an exercise program. I work out 4-6 times a week. I often take walks on my lunches. If I'm headed some place within a 1.5 mile radius and it's a decent enough day and I don't have much to carry*, I'll walk. My issue with myself is this: I'll say, I'm going to run 4-5 days a week in the morning and do my abs and then do weights at night. I'll do it for 3 days and be like, sigh. Again, same problem - trying to do too much at once and not being consistent.
It's amazing how taking this 1/2 an hour to write this all down has helped to elucidate the issues. I knew I had them, but I couldn't pinpoint them. Hopefully now I can start to seriously fix the problem.
That being said, I'm going to skip the gym tonight. I'm going to start (today) getting out of the habit of saying I will do something in the morning and then delaying it to the evening. I will get up in the morning and do workout - whether it's running or a long walk or heading to the gym a 50/50 cardio workout on the stairmaster and the elliptical (my shin splint is not quite healed from last week).
I'm also going to put aside 20 dedicated minutes to write when I get home.
The food thing will be harder, but I seriously suspect that once I have other aspects of my life in order, it will appear to magically fall in place. When I feel productive and focused again, I bet my eating will change. But I'm going to work on that tonight too. I have a tendency to turn into a food monster once I get home. I will have one sit down meal once I arrive, and that will be it.
Okay, enough with that. That was a bit exhausting, honestly. (Told you I need more energy!)
Talk to you later.
*and if I'm not wearing high heels. Or any heels, if I'm going to be 100 with you.
I've been doing that a bit lately. I've noticed things about myself that are driving me insane. I've developed a temper. I've become adept at staying within my comfort zone and reigning over my queendom - which, at some point, hinders the ability to learn. You've got to be open to learn, right?
Anyway, there are things that must change, and it all starts with focus and consistency.
I have to remember to destress. It's ok to relax and have a good time. As I once famously said to my mum in exasperation, "It's just life!" Patience is, indeed, a virtue.
I've got to remember to find the child inside of me - and let her play more often. That light hearted, carefree kind of playing - not the "let's get drunk and forget what we did" kind of playing. While I do so enjoy it, repetition begets boredom (and that general attitude may be at the root of the reason that consistency is so challenging for me).
Set small goals.
Rome wasn't built in a day, I can't take over the world in just one day, either.
Commit - to whatever it is that I've decided I want to do. Being commited means being consistent. Are we noticing a pattern here? Saying the same thing in different ways.
Write. I read this great article about writing in today's distracting world and how to fight the temptation to multitask. I'm one of those people who is like: I must right an hour a day 4x a week. And then I write for an hour over the course of a month! Horrible. And then I feel even worse for failing so I don't write. But if my goal is to say, write 1 -2 pages daily - well, hell, that 2 (solid) scripts a year.
Lose weight. I've been struggling with this for a while. While I'm aware that 130lbs isn't overweight unless you're 5'0 (and I'm several inches taller than that), I can't stop wanting to get back down to my "usual" weight of 118-123. What's stopping me? I fear that all of these issues are interconnected. Of course, consistency is a major component, but so is this lack of self control, this FEAR that I'll actually REGRET not having had that piece of chocolate or more sugar or those pastries, mostly because they were free. As I make more money, I find that I actually buy more food, too. That's crazy. I lived off of appx $80/mo in groceries for a long time. Last month? $212. I'm one person. There is no way I'm actually eating $55/week. (I do pack my lunch and eat about 5 meals a day, but seriously, that's a lot of money spent on food for a single person in groceries. That does not include eating out). It's greed. It's that I have to have it. I'm feeling up on food when I'd be so much more fulfilled and proud and content if I did what I said I was going to do: be consistent.
Have more energy. I should probably sleep less. 7 hours, not 7-9. More than 8 hours is counterproductive. That one shouldn't be that hard to fix.
Stick to an exercise program. I work out 4-6 times a week. I often take walks on my lunches. If I'm headed some place within a 1.5 mile radius and it's a decent enough day and I don't have much to carry*, I'll walk. My issue with myself is this: I'll say, I'm going to run 4-5 days a week in the morning and do my abs and then do weights at night. I'll do it for 3 days and be like, sigh. Again, same problem - trying to do too much at once and not being consistent.
It's amazing how taking this 1/2 an hour to write this all down has helped to elucidate the issues. I knew I had them, but I couldn't pinpoint them. Hopefully now I can start to seriously fix the problem.
That being said, I'm going to skip the gym tonight. I'm going to start (today) getting out of the habit of saying I will do something in the morning and then delaying it to the evening. I will get up in the morning and do workout - whether it's running or a long walk or heading to the gym a 50/50 cardio workout on the stairmaster and the elliptical (my shin splint is not quite healed from last week).
I'm also going to put aside 20 dedicated minutes to write when I get home.
The food thing will be harder, but I seriously suspect that once I have other aspects of my life in order, it will appear to magically fall in place. When I feel productive and focused again, I bet my eating will change. But I'm going to work on that tonight too. I have a tendency to turn into a food monster once I get home. I will have one sit down meal once I arrive, and that will be it.
Okay, enough with that. That was a bit exhausting, honestly. (Told you I need more energy!)
Talk to you later.
*and if I'm not wearing high heels. Or any heels, if I'm going to be 100 with you.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Quotes
READ SLOWLY - I took this off someone's page. So don't give me all the credit.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
free form
I sit here
painting my toenails
Examining my pores
thinking in similes and metaphors
My thoughts begin to sprawl
…and I remember all
the songs I loved growing up
marvin gaye and tammi terrell
taught me that even in death/ our words prevail
and oooh i
I used to love him
And I just want some
Of that sexual healing
that feeling
that I got from her
Yeah I really loved her
Lauryn hill
I can still hear
Those lyrics thump in my ear
Drums/ bass/ beat
My legs move/ my chest
Heaves/
So caught I up/ I forget to breathe
Yes I used to love them
But now…
I don’t think about lyrics/ I dream of being rich
At risk of falling for that bait and switch
Start off running, chasing the dream
But end up chasing cars and cream
Dollar dollar bills y’all
Cause cash rules everything
Around
But what about me?
Yes, I’m at risk
I said I wouldn’t fall
Victim to that trap
But the simple fact is
I think about my money
I’m obsessed with finances
Money over friends and bitches
Family trumps riches
But I have to ask
Is it even about art anymore?
Have I sold out/ squelched my voice/before I made my offering to the world my contribution to the universe/ is it even about being the first/ black woman/ to win best director/ and even if it is/ should it be?/ be about the accolades the self congratulatory trophies/ the look at mes/ the people’s adoration/ the flashing lights of kanye’s graduation/somehow beam/ endlessly down/ down/ until I scream/ that they have to get off of me… cause like em says – that’s not what I got into it for – that’s not what it’s about for me
Except I suspect
That maybe
It could be
And that’s what’s eating away
My creativity
2.11.09
painting my toenails
Examining my pores
thinking in similes and metaphors
My thoughts begin to sprawl
…and I remember all
the songs I loved growing up
marvin gaye and tammi terrell
taught me that even in death/ our words prevail
and oooh i
I used to love him
And I just want some
Of that sexual healing
that feeling
that I got from her
Yeah I really loved her
Lauryn hill
I can still hear
Those lyrics thump in my ear
Drums/ bass/ beat
My legs move/ my chest
Heaves/
So caught I up/ I forget to breathe
Yes I used to love them
But now…
I don’t think about lyrics/ I dream of being rich
At risk of falling for that bait and switch
Start off running, chasing the dream
But end up chasing cars and cream
Dollar dollar bills y’all
Cause cash rules everything
Around
But what about me?
Yes, I’m at risk
I said I wouldn’t fall
Victim to that trap
But the simple fact is
I think about my money
I’m obsessed with finances
Money over friends and bitches
Family trumps riches
But I have to ask
Is it even about art anymore?
Have I sold out/ squelched my voice/before I made my offering to the world my contribution to the universe/ is it even about being the first/ black woman/ to win best director/ and even if it is/ should it be?/ be about the accolades the self congratulatory trophies/ the look at mes/ the people’s adoration/ the flashing lights of kanye’s graduation/somehow beam/ endlessly down/ down/ until I scream/ that they have to get off of me… cause like em says – that’s not what I got into it for – that’s not what it’s about for me
Except I suspect
That maybe
It could be
And that’s what’s eating away
My creativity
2.11.09
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Airplanes and Aging
I'm thinking about flights - traveling - time traveling, something mind unraveling, ya dig?
No, seriously, my boss - an unnamed person who has produced at least one of your favorite (indie) movies if you are 1) a cinephile or 2) human - if going to a film festival this week, and we've been slammed with travel arrangements, last minute changes, and death threats.
People never cease to amaze (read: annoy) me. This woman calls me yesterday with the following rant:
"If we had taken care of this Saturday when we first brought it to your attention, the fare would still be cheap."
Indeed, that is true. But guess what? It wasn't taken care of. And it's now Monday, so we need a new plan. And lower your voice, by the way. There's nothing I can or am willing to do for you - not if you keep that attitude and keep living in the past.
Last night, my boss decides that he would rather take an earlier flight to the film festival. That's fine with me- but our travel lady doesn't send me his itinerary until an hour before his flight. That's all well and good when you're flying domestically and for leisure but for international business? That's cutting it a weee bit closer than I like to play things.
Okay, not my most interesting blog, that's for certain. Maybe it's because I'm kind of hungry. I'm one of those girls that eats alot but is always on a diet. So I'm trying to stop eating so much. I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my whole life right now. I'm in a size 5 now! Jeez, I've gotten huge in the past 18 months - and this is not said with sarcasm or joy. It is said with honest disgust and a bit of self hatred, at this point. I can't seem to halt the weight gain or my obsession with food. In the interim, I have concluded that getting old sucks.
No, seriously, my boss - an unnamed person who has produced at least one of your favorite (indie) movies if you are 1) a cinephile or 2) human - if going to a film festival this week, and we've been slammed with travel arrangements, last minute changes, and death threats.
People never cease to amaze (read: annoy) me. This woman calls me yesterday with the following rant:
"If we had taken care of this Saturday when we first brought it to your attention, the fare would still be cheap."
Indeed, that is true. But guess what? It wasn't taken care of. And it's now Monday, so we need a new plan. And lower your voice, by the way. There's nothing I can or am willing to do for you - not if you keep that attitude and keep living in the past.
Last night, my boss decides that he would rather take an earlier flight to the film festival. That's fine with me- but our travel lady doesn't send me his itinerary until an hour before his flight. That's all well and good when you're flying domestically and for leisure but for international business? That's cutting it a weee bit closer than I like to play things.
Okay, not my most interesting blog, that's for certain. Maybe it's because I'm kind of hungry. I'm one of those girls that eats alot but is always on a diet. So I'm trying to stop eating so much. I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my whole life right now. I'm in a size 5 now! Jeez, I've gotten huge in the past 18 months - and this is not said with sarcasm or joy. It is said with honest disgust and a bit of self hatred, at this point. I can't seem to halt the weight gain or my obsession with food. In the interim, I have concluded that getting old sucks.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Identity First.
Allow me to introduce myself, c'mon. My name HOV, H to the O-V.
Just kidding.My name is unimportant, and I'll never reveal it here. If I wanted you to know it was me, I would have given you a ring on the telefono. But since I carefully worded my sentences and sidestepped your probes the last time we talked, it's not unreasonable to assume, in this instance, that I don't want to tell you all of my business. That's not true. Assume - you'd still me making an ass out of me and you.
I want to tell you everything - show you everything - I just don't want you to know that it's me.
This is the first blog I've written in a long time. I used to occasionally post blogs on myspace.com, but I stopped. I would like to sound noble and condescending and assert that I was too good for that forum, but alas, it isn't true.
What is true is that I stopped writing. Not just blogs - but journals - poems - screenplays - stories.
Some of you say so what, big deal? It's a big deal for a person like me, who wrote prolifically for over a decade, and then one day, almost a year ago, it just dried up.
I haven't any ideas that I want to devote the time to - well, that's not wholly accurate. Maybe it's the energy.
Or it could be the paralyzing fear. After all, I am scared alot.
Of the dark, mostly. Unfortunately, I'm not joking. I'm 24 years old and the darkness terrifies me. When I was younger, I thought the boogie man would come. I guess I still think that - except now the boogie man is real and he'll stab you and rob you and take things that you can never get back. He lurks in the shadows, waiting outside the barred windows of the bathroom and bedroom, anticipating the moments when the lights go off and everything fades to black... the moment he can creep in...
But I'm waaaay off topic.
I guess I never identified that there was a topic. But there is. I thought if I wasn't going to tell you my name, I could at least tell you the reason I call my blog yesterday's favorites. There are several reasons - one is pure vanity - being that my name does mean favorite. The others, they are less self centered but still connected to my visions and ideas, of course.
A friend and I were discussing how what we love one day may be "ahh, blah" the next. Hence yesterday. Another thought that crossed my mind was the speed with which we pass through phases - I don't if it's this country, or the world. One day everyone loved Michael Phelps and Chris Brown - the next, they are dethroned. I'll get into that stuff in another blog, but yes, I feel like we move so fast that we forget to appreciate or that we're on to something new, constantly chasing a feeling that mimics our first experience, when that experience can never be replicated. It's the same conundrum that the drug addict faces - chasing, chasing, losing, losing.
Wow, I'm really somber today - my apologies. And I'm only going to apologize this once, cause I could be somber for days on end and I don't want to continually apologize for what I am - today, tomorrow, or yesterday.
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