Last night, I had 2 quesadillas. They tasted ok. I ate them because they were there.
Today, I had Pinkberry. It tasted great. I ate it because I craved sugar. I had two cookies for the same reason.
I'm wondering if working out my feelings and dedicating time to myself and my thoughts every morning would help to establish better eating patterns.
I also stuff my face when I'm bored. When I feel stress coming on. When I'm actually stressed, I'm too busy to eat - but when I feel it coming, I reach for my lunch/ snack/ something sweet.
Wish I understood my obsession with food. As yet, I haven't figured it out but hopefully will soon.
I was going to do a master cleanse, not to as it would be for the wrong reasons. I don't believe I'd be flushing a bunch of toxins or losing fat or weight that I'd be able to keep off. It would be a quick fix, when what I need is a lifestyle change that I can honestly commit to.
I have to truly accept that it will be hard and there will be self-denial (which I hate) and there will be moments when I want to cry because I want to eat something so bad. But I have to accept that it will probably be like that because I am honestly starting to feel as though I may have an addiction to food. Thinking about eating less makes me feel basically the way I felt when I realized that I had to quit smoking.
Sigh.
It must be done. I am unsatisfied with my body, and I don't like the lack of control that I'm displaying.
Keep watching...
Friday, May 8, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Consistency
I like to evaluate the self. My self.
I've been doing that a bit lately. I've noticed things about myself that are driving me insane. I've developed a temper. I've become adept at staying within my comfort zone and reigning over my queendom - which, at some point, hinders the ability to learn. You've got to be open to learn, right?
Anyway, there are things that must change, and it all starts with focus and consistency.
I have to remember to destress. It's ok to relax and have a good time. As I once famously said to my mum in exasperation, "It's just life!" Patience is, indeed, a virtue.
I've got to remember to find the child inside of me - and let her play more often. That light hearted, carefree kind of playing - not the "let's get drunk and forget what we did" kind of playing. While I do so enjoy it, repetition begets boredom (and that general attitude may be at the root of the reason that consistency is so challenging for me).
Set small goals.
Rome wasn't built in a day, I can't take over the world in just one day, either.
Commit - to whatever it is that I've decided I want to do. Being commited means being consistent. Are we noticing a pattern here? Saying the same thing in different ways.
Write. I read this great article about writing in today's distracting world and how to fight the temptation to multitask. I'm one of those people who is like: I must right an hour a day 4x a week. And then I write for an hour over the course of a month! Horrible. And then I feel even worse for failing so I don't write. But if my goal is to say, write 1 -2 pages daily - well, hell, that 2 (solid) scripts a year.
Lose weight. I've been struggling with this for a while. While I'm aware that 130lbs isn't overweight unless you're 5'0 (and I'm several inches taller than that), I can't stop wanting to get back down to my "usual" weight of 118-123. What's stopping me? I fear that all of these issues are interconnected. Of course, consistency is a major component, but so is this lack of self control, this FEAR that I'll actually REGRET not having had that piece of chocolate or more sugar or those pastries, mostly because they were free. As I make more money, I find that I actually buy more food, too. That's crazy. I lived off of appx $80/mo in groceries for a long time. Last month? $212. I'm one person. There is no way I'm actually eating $55/week. (I do pack my lunch and eat about 5 meals a day, but seriously, that's a lot of money spent on food for a single person in groceries. That does not include eating out). It's greed. It's that I have to have it. I'm feeling up on food when I'd be so much more fulfilled and proud and content if I did what I said I was going to do: be consistent.
Have more energy. I should probably sleep less. 7 hours, not 7-9. More than 8 hours is counterproductive. That one shouldn't be that hard to fix.
Stick to an exercise program. I work out 4-6 times a week. I often take walks on my lunches. If I'm headed some place within a 1.5 mile radius and it's a decent enough day and I don't have much to carry*, I'll walk. My issue with myself is this: I'll say, I'm going to run 4-5 days a week in the morning and do my abs and then do weights at night. I'll do it for 3 days and be like, sigh. Again, same problem - trying to do too much at once and not being consistent.
It's amazing how taking this 1/2 an hour to write this all down has helped to elucidate the issues. I knew I had them, but I couldn't pinpoint them. Hopefully now I can start to seriously fix the problem.
That being said, I'm going to skip the gym tonight. I'm going to start (today) getting out of the habit of saying I will do something in the morning and then delaying it to the evening. I will get up in the morning and do workout - whether it's running or a long walk or heading to the gym a 50/50 cardio workout on the stairmaster and the elliptical (my shin splint is not quite healed from last week).
I'm also going to put aside 20 dedicated minutes to write when I get home.
The food thing will be harder, but I seriously suspect that once I have other aspects of my life in order, it will appear to magically fall in place. When I feel productive and focused again, I bet my eating will change. But I'm going to work on that tonight too. I have a tendency to turn into a food monster once I get home. I will have one sit down meal once I arrive, and that will be it.
Okay, enough with that. That was a bit exhausting, honestly. (Told you I need more energy!)
Talk to you later.
*and if I'm not wearing high heels. Or any heels, if I'm going to be 100 with you.
I've been doing that a bit lately. I've noticed things about myself that are driving me insane. I've developed a temper. I've become adept at staying within my comfort zone and reigning over my queendom - which, at some point, hinders the ability to learn. You've got to be open to learn, right?
Anyway, there are things that must change, and it all starts with focus and consistency.
I have to remember to destress. It's ok to relax and have a good time. As I once famously said to my mum in exasperation, "It's just life!" Patience is, indeed, a virtue.
I've got to remember to find the child inside of me - and let her play more often. That light hearted, carefree kind of playing - not the "let's get drunk and forget what we did" kind of playing. While I do so enjoy it, repetition begets boredom (and that general attitude may be at the root of the reason that consistency is so challenging for me).
Set small goals.
Rome wasn't built in a day, I can't take over the world in just one day, either.
Commit - to whatever it is that I've decided I want to do. Being commited means being consistent. Are we noticing a pattern here? Saying the same thing in different ways.
Write. I read this great article about writing in today's distracting world and how to fight the temptation to multitask. I'm one of those people who is like: I must right an hour a day 4x a week. And then I write for an hour over the course of a month! Horrible. And then I feel even worse for failing so I don't write. But if my goal is to say, write 1 -2 pages daily - well, hell, that 2 (solid) scripts a year.
Lose weight. I've been struggling with this for a while. While I'm aware that 130lbs isn't overweight unless you're 5'0 (and I'm several inches taller than that), I can't stop wanting to get back down to my "usual" weight of 118-123. What's stopping me? I fear that all of these issues are interconnected. Of course, consistency is a major component, but so is this lack of self control, this FEAR that I'll actually REGRET not having had that piece of chocolate or more sugar or those pastries, mostly because they were free. As I make more money, I find that I actually buy more food, too. That's crazy. I lived off of appx $80/mo in groceries for a long time. Last month? $212. I'm one person. There is no way I'm actually eating $55/week. (I do pack my lunch and eat about 5 meals a day, but seriously, that's a lot of money spent on food for a single person in groceries. That does not include eating out). It's greed. It's that I have to have it. I'm feeling up on food when I'd be so much more fulfilled and proud and content if I did what I said I was going to do: be consistent.
Have more energy. I should probably sleep less. 7 hours, not 7-9. More than 8 hours is counterproductive. That one shouldn't be that hard to fix.
Stick to an exercise program. I work out 4-6 times a week. I often take walks on my lunches. If I'm headed some place within a 1.5 mile radius and it's a decent enough day and I don't have much to carry*, I'll walk. My issue with myself is this: I'll say, I'm going to run 4-5 days a week in the morning and do my abs and then do weights at night. I'll do it for 3 days and be like, sigh. Again, same problem - trying to do too much at once and not being consistent.
It's amazing how taking this 1/2 an hour to write this all down has helped to elucidate the issues. I knew I had them, but I couldn't pinpoint them. Hopefully now I can start to seriously fix the problem.
That being said, I'm going to skip the gym tonight. I'm going to start (today) getting out of the habit of saying I will do something in the morning and then delaying it to the evening. I will get up in the morning and do workout - whether it's running or a long walk or heading to the gym a 50/50 cardio workout on the stairmaster and the elliptical (my shin splint is not quite healed from last week).
I'm also going to put aside 20 dedicated minutes to write when I get home.
The food thing will be harder, but I seriously suspect that once I have other aspects of my life in order, it will appear to magically fall in place. When I feel productive and focused again, I bet my eating will change. But I'm going to work on that tonight too. I have a tendency to turn into a food monster once I get home. I will have one sit down meal once I arrive, and that will be it.
Okay, enough with that. That was a bit exhausting, honestly. (Told you I need more energy!)
Talk to you later.
*and if I'm not wearing high heels. Or any heels, if I'm going to be 100 with you.
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