Looooong Time

And I guess it doesn't really matter, as I've never publicized this blog and therefore have only one follower - and I thank you :) This is for you, then.

It's been nearly a year since I wrote anything here, and quite a year it has been.

Quite a year.

I'm having a protracted quarter life crisis.
I can't decide where I want to live, how to get to my goals, if I'm ready for a relationship or love, if I'm ready to be responsible or party away the blues... and truthfully, I've reached a point of complete and utter fatigue. I'm exhausted.

A large part of me wants to throw in the towel and say fuck it, I'm going to law school. Do something practical, something with an immediate and definitely lasting impact on the lives of others. Then there's the part of me that's urging me to just move to Miami already (I've spent the past few months in the southeastern U.S. though I reside in Los Angeles) and get pregnant by my boyfriend (he lives here) and he can pretty much take care of us financially - though I understand that it isn't his ideal vision to take care of a woman. Then there's that part of me that's saying give up, you're too scared, you're not as fearless as you pretend. And that girl inside me who doesn't know what to do except drink and party herself into oblivion... and then wake up in the morning like, "who the fuck was I last night? what the fuck did I do that I probably shouldn't have done?" (Luckily, usually nothing except for talking to much and holding hands with guys that I don't really know so that I don't teeter over into the street... but still - said bf would be none too thrilled to know I was holding hands with someone.) Even the bf thing is like sigh... do I REALLY want to be emotionally involved with someone who lives across the country, especially when I have severe trust issues when it comes to relationships? Oh - and did I mention weight? I've gained 11.6 pounds since March. Okay, I lost a bit of it, but I still have a ways to go. I will say, however, that that is oddly the one thing I'm NOT that concerned with. Compared with all of the other issues I have to figure out, that's the easiest one. Alas, that's the one issue that I actually have answers to.

I'm in a perpetual state of asking questions, coming up with lackluster possible answers, then discarding them.

At first, I thought I was alone.

But then I started opening up to my friends about my anxieties and found them to be much more common than I'd expected, I found that this may very simply be...

The curse of the mid-20s.

This awful feeling where you're supposed to decide everything RIGHT NOW. And really, we don't have to. We do have to make decisions and plan and all that, but it doesn't all have to be figured out today.

But today has brought me closer to figuring out what it is that I want...